Set the Tone
I’ve been asked to write a book on parenting, but with kids who are barely entering puberty, it would be like writing about how to be a professional athlete while I was in elementary school. Any truths I have right now are half-baked. As an example of that kind of advice, I recently read about why teaching children to manage their tone of voice when expressing themselves is hurtful, a state of empathy being the goal. The author assured us, “It’s not our job to teach them how to communicate.”
Reality, though, reminds us parents and caregivers don’t get to decide if we teach our kid(s) to communicate. They will learn all of their most foundational lessons from us—period. We will teach them whether or not we decide to be intentional about it.
Empathy is crucial, of course, and it's also true that teaching your kids to check their tone can be incredibly helpful. With healthy guidance, practicing tone management allows a child to learn to separate who they are from how they feel and they build confidence in their ability to make good choices, even when it is really hard.
So how does a parent know when to empathize and when to challenge their child to do better? I can’t tell you that. In one way or another, you and your child have chosen each other. Moment to moment, you are the one who is there to be curious about what is happening, what is needed, what is helpful, and what is possible. I can give you an incomplete picture of options you may not have considered yet, but you have to do the work of collecting and sifting those possibilities in light of the reality of your life. You have to learn to hold your own chaos, so it doesn’t spill out in unintentional ways. You have to act on your own values and priorities.
You have to practice, fail, forgive the imperfection, and learn, practice, fail, forgive imperfection, learn, practice, fail, forgive, learn, until you wake up one day having lost everything you thought you were and far outstretched everything you thought you could become. I will write a book, and I definitely love to give you tools that have worked for me, but that kid chose you. What I do or say doesn't matter at all next to that. Honor the gift, imagine what your best parenting would look like, and work your ass off to get as close as you can.
Further Reading:
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life
**Any good poetry and literature you can get your hands on.