Discipline and Emotional Intelligence

When I think of emotional discipline, I often draw up imagery of monks, stoics, and famous athletes or coaches. The word discipline has a footprint in my mind that is outlined with the word "control." While this isn't necessarily wrong, my exploration of emotional intelligence has allowed me to extend my understanding of discipline beyond the borders of control.

Psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman recognized four components of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. The first of those four components, self-awareness, involves taking stock of the current state of inner-landscape (including our motives, desires, character, and feelings). The second component, self-management, is about owning the responsibility for caring for and changing that landscape as needed to create a rich and fruitful inner ecosystem. The last two components are an evolution of the first pair, expanding them into the broader social sphere and relationships.

What became clearer to me as I have tried to practice both self-awareness and management in my own life was my own misperception of what discipline entailed. These two things, taken together, were the real meaning of self-discipline. It’s true, discipline gives the impression of control, but in practice, it involves a caring cycle of awareness, acceptance, and responsibility. We need this kind of self-discipline to evolve our capacity for emotional intelligence outside of ourselves, because it develops in us the skills, compassion, and capacity for complexity needed to better understand others. Without this kind of self-discipline, the only thing that extends beyond ourselves is the capacity to control.